So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
