Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
where are you?
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.