Texts From Last Night

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  (586): View more from Michigan

  In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.

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  (586): In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson. http://tfl.nu/nef3
  Replies (2) Good night (1478) Bad night (591)
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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  (217): i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet. http://tfl.nu/nuvu
  Replies (55) Good night (1049) Bad night (3751)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold

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  (908): Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold http://tfl.nu/axfw
  Replies (24) Good night (6366) Bad night (764)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

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  (317): idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break http://tfl.nu/7szo
  Replies (16) Good night (6109) Bad night (534)
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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  (740): she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse http://tfl.nu/30t8
  Replies (14) Good night (4772) Bad night (1060)
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  (209): View more from California

  She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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  (209): She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge. http://tfl.nu/14lm
  Replies (6) Good night (2896) Bad night (1009)
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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  (207): I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots. http://tfl.nu/eygf
  Replies (5) Good night (3403) Bad night (1098)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay

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  (919): she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay http://tfl.nu/hwso
  Replies (13) Good night (3230) Bad night (742)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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  (651): saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort. http://tfl.nu/ekj0
  Replies (17) Good night (3774) Bad night (886)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha

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  (406): And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha http://tfl.nu/j31u
  Replies (7) Good night (2529) Bad night (1108)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.

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  (604): The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why. http://tfl.nu/zoqm
  Replies (8) Good night (963) Bad night (602)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.

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  (414): What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess. http://tfl.nu/j346
  Replies (3) Good night (411) Bad night (952)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off

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  (701): New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off http://tfl.nu/w6xr
  Replies (1) Good night (342) Bad night (632)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  What is this nonsense on the table

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  Your idea.

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out

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  (330): What is this nonsense on the table (1-330): Your idea. (330): I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out http://tfl.nu/afwc
  Replies (5) Good night (356) Bad night (655)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs

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  (717): Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs http://tfl.nu/5gk3
  Replies (1) Good night (271) Bad night (221)

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