i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
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I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low