I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.