he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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