I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Vodka?
Forever.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
