y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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