I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
