In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
