Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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