you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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