chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
