Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
