She said her name was "party"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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