i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
