How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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