Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
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Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
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I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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