I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
