got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Operation Purity has been aborted
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
