you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
