my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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