It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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