I'm so fucking centered right now
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
