Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
