Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
