apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's rum buckets o'clock
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Randomize
