Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
