Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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