people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
