i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
