just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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