he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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