i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
