Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
