If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
