Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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