So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
