nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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