are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
