im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
