I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Even my vagina gasped.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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