So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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