there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize