"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
