I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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