It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
