just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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