why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
