Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
