You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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