Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You had me at "let me see your balls"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
