hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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