I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
