OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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