When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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