I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It's blow job season.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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