"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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