Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
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I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
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also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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