we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
