ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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