worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Two words: nipple clamps
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