You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
